thebossongroup

The Mumbai Shuffle

I couldn't believe it but it was true. Recently our company had upgraded our computer system and in doing so we needed to upgrade our online security software.  We shut down everything on Friday night and earlier than expected we were up and running by Sunday morning. We had the local IT guys do all the company stuff and everything went well even when we decided on a new security software for the business. Monday rolled around and we had a few glitches which hampered the system and inconvenienced a few clients; something you never want to happen but on occasion is bound too.  By Monday evening we had worked out all the bugs from the company perspective and I finally felt we had a grip on the whole thing. Boy was I wrong.

The last thing on my to-do list was to update my personal computer. I realized that it too needed new security software. The company software was a bit pricey and since I had such good fortune with my last product, Avast, I felt no reason to change.

SPOILER ALERT – AVAST HAS SOLD ITS SOUL

So, Monday morning I decided to simply log into Avast and update my license which I assumed was still good. I was relieved to see that they had “Live” Chat on their website. Since we installed that into our website it has improved customer service immensely. This is especially true with a small business like ours where we need to get out in front of any customer problem. We boast a 100% satisfaction policy 100% of the time with 100% of our clients. We don’t say we won’t make mistakes or that things will not go wrong on the odd occasion, it is technology after all. Sometimes even our best intentions are thwarted by techno-beastie ills that we could never anticipate. Our guarantee is that nothing we control will be left unattended and we will deliver on every promise we make. It doesn't matter if it’s in writing or you just thought you heard us say it, if it’s in our wheelhouse and your signed up for it, it’s our job to make sure it functions the way we told you it would.

Again, in a little company it sometimes looks a lot like the “cobbler’s children”…you know the cobbler is so busy his kids have no shoes? Yeah, well that’s the way it goes sometimes – like it or not. One of our most difficult deliveries is satisfaction with our Social Media Engineering.  And if you are on a Social Media program with us then you know that lots and lots of hours have gone in to getting this service right. We are only now beginning to shine the flashlight at our own Social Media channel to update our principle venues and to take advantage of our own well-worn online positions. But that’s just an add-on frustration to this story so we’ll skip that for now.

Back to the day – Monday morning and we click on the computers and we are humming, the only computer left is my personal computer and I simply need to get to Avast and update my license. Sounds simple enough doesn't it?

So back to the “Live Chat” which is directly on and in the principle Avast.com website. Like I said, having installed live chat on our own site has made a huge difference in how quickly we learn about problems and get ahead of the issues. So I eagerly clicked on Avast’s Live Chat…

7:15 AM PST (Pacific Standard Time)

Ronnie (Avast agent?): Good morning how can I help?
Me: Good morning Ronnie – before we begin, where are you guys located?

Note: We have a mandatory rule with our company – we only do business with American companies. We don’t spend a lot of money but whatever we do spend we spend in America –period!

Ronnie: Branford Connecticut
Me: Wow…I was raised in East Haven
Ronnie: Really?
Me: Yeah –what a coincidence. I had no idea Avast was in little ole Branford.

Note: East Haven and Branford have been twin cities since the late fifties. The towns literally grew up together. I even lived in a quaint section of Branford called Indian Neck as a really young man. So I was pleased to be talking not only to an American company but a former neighbor (we are a California company located close to San Francisco smack dap in the middle of the largest wine growing area in the whole state). But who doesn't have some fond memories of their childhood town

 Ronnie: How can I help you?

Note: Okay no small talk wants to get to business. Not our style we encourage our reps to roll with the client’s conversation. But if their policy is “all business”, I can respect that.

Me:  Okay, I want to update my Avast license and get it up on this new computer – what should I do?
Ronnie: I am definitely going to help you with that problem this morning
Me: Well…okay…but it’s not a problem is it? I just want to update my Avast
Ronnie: Okay I just need to take a look at your computer. Do you mind if I take control and see what you have?
Me: I just want to update my Avast
Ronnie And that’s going to be taken care of this morning, I guarantee it
Me: Yeah, well that’s fine and all but I just need Avast
Ronnie: I am definitely going to help you do that but I do need to look at your computer so can I take control

Note: I am now looking at my watch and it is going on 7:30 already about 15 minutes in and I do need the software. He is the one for getting straight to business so, if this is what he needs, I guess it’s okay with me. After all, I’m talking with Avast, right? They wouldn't do anything dishonest, would they?

Me: How long is this going to take?
Ronnie: No more than 15 minutes
Me: Okay I guess…what do you need me to do?

Note: Ten minutes later after a few Ronnie blunders getting connected we are finally tethered and he takes control. Zip, zap, zoom – bippity boppity boom and a half an hour later he is circling all these “Corrupted Files” – “Bad Registry Files” and the likes.

Ronnie: Well, before we can do anything I need to clean up your computer. You have some serious issues here.
Me: Yeah, well I have an IT guy so I’ll have him take care of it.
Ronnie: Well, if you want Avast this morning I have to clean this up and there is no charge
Me: No charge? How long will this take?
Ronnie: About 30 minutes but I have to tell you that this is pretty bad. I would recommend taking care of these problems right now. I will remove all these bad registry files, the corrupted files and any viruses I find
Me: I have a virus?
Ronnie: Yes, sir
Me: Okay let’s take care of this – but then you’ll install the Avast.
Ronnie: Yes, sir right after.

Note: I should have known something was wrong. Hadn't he up front told me about “taking care of my problem?” How could he have known there was such a grave issue with my computer?  But like any other dupe, the sound of my computer having a virus got my attention. And again this is Avast they wouldn't lie to me, would they? Plus it is being done for free. Boy am I a sucker or what?

I glance down at my watch it is now 8:45 – we've been on the phone for an hour and fifteen minutes and I still don’t have Avast and now I’m looking at another 30 minutes to clean up my severely infected computer in order to get my Avast .

The room goes silent as Ronnie works feverishly to remove all the junk – taking great pains to circle in red all the problems, bad files and dangerous keys.  I don’t remember another word being spoken in the room until an hour and a half later.

Then Ronnie comes back on and begins to tell me all the wonderful things he has done and all that they can do for me in the future. Was Avast trying to sell me support? A bunch a bullsh*t later and Ronnie gets down to the end game.

$170 bucks and he’ll put the protection on and provide me with a full year of customer support and technical support for any of my software issues.

By now I am very aware of what’s going on but I have a pretty sticky situation. This dude has control of my computer and he’s holding me hostage for $170 dollars. I quickly tell him of course I’ll take this marvelous deal which he must confirm with his supervisor.

Here comes Jeetu

Jeetu: I just want to make sure you are happy with everything we did this morning.
Me: Jeetu, I lived in the Indian Neck area of Branford have you been out there? Where are your offices in Branford?
Jeetu: Sir, that’s just where are offices are - we are not there
Me Where are you Jeetu (like I didn't know)
Jeetu: Mumbai, India
Me: No fooling with such an American sounding name I’m shocked

Note: I politely ask to be disconnected – but kept the chat alive. I gathered all the information I could realizing now that they were just an India scam for online support that somehow was allowed to roam free and snatch it’s victims from the Avast site.

It is now 10:30 in the morning. I have been on the phone with these knuckleheads for three hours and when I ask where my Avast is Ronnie interrupts Jeetu and says we already put your virus protection on. He tells me it’s the Microsoft Security. I quickly point out that the Microsoft Security was already on my computer when “Ronnie” took it over. My tech guys had put it there when they transferred my data and that’s why I called in to get Avast. And if this Microsoft Security was so good how did all these bad files slip passed it?

Jeetu: That’s definitely a problem we can help you with this morning

Note: Where have I heard that before?

Me: Probably another 30 minutes, huh?
Jeetu: Oh not we can do this in about 15 minutes and it will only cost you 79 more dollars
Me: So what did I just pay for?
Ronnie (tag teaming me): One year of technical support on all of your software
Me: Listen carefully…I don’t want you to do anything else. I want you to disconnect from this conversation. I am going to call your home office in Branford and get this straightened out.
Jeetu: Sir, we didn’t want to upset you, after all we fixed your computer for no charge!

Note: By now I had texted my IT guy and he told me that there were no issues with my computer. They had run a diagnostic, cleaned it up and installed the Microsoft Security. In fact there were no bad files or registry errors or viruses and they had checked less than 24 hours ago.

I got off the phone as quickly as I could. My next call went right to Branford where I spoke to Rita who worked for Lester Industries and I was told I had been talking to GuruAid. She assured me my card would not be charged and she was going to fix the problem in Mumbai. Whatever – at least she knew where Indian Neck was.

It is now 11:30 AM – I have spent the entire morning on the phone and was standing in the exact same place I had been standing at 7:15. To say I was unhappy would be to classify a nuclear explosion as a slight crackle. I was livid. I went back to the Avast site curled off a dark missive (email) and got back to work.

END OF DAY- GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP- MORNING ON TUESDAY

I reason with myself that Avast probably is not really aware of how dastardly these chat trolls truly are and that my email would probably be the straw that broke the camel’s back. No doubt someone from Avast would call and thank me for uncovering this scam job.

In the meantime, I still need protection on my computer and I did like Avast. In fact my IT guys had originally recommended them. So this time I go back to the official Avast site again and insure that I am on Avast.com and I am again on the right site. I shutter when I look at the live chat. How could I not see that GuruAid logo with the snake charmer? Still, I’m done with them and decide I am going to buy the one year download for $49 and be done with it.

I was going to forget about trying to figure out my old license. I mean it wasn’t like I was going to throw my old computer away. I would just buy the one year, download it and get on with my day.

8:00 AM PST (Pacif….you know the rest

I put in my credit card again. And I press the download. Fifteen minutes later the execution file pops up and I press run. Up pops an error message. I close it down and download the files again. And once again an error message pops up… Something about not being compatible with my version of Windows.

HANG ON – IT GETS DEEP

I hang up and look for a customer service number. There it is on their official Avast.com website an 800 number to customer service. I call and to my relief a very American voice answers the recording and says “Welcome to Avast if you are calling for support on your Avast product press 1”

I press 1 and a few minutes later a curious accent comes on…

Jerald: I am Jerald how can I help you.
Me: Jerald –you are with Avast?
Jerald: Yes, sir
Me: Well, I entered credit card and got to product download, but twice I tried to download it and I got an error message
Jerald: I can definitely help you with that problem this morning, I just need to get into your computer and see what’s wrong…you probably have some bad files or something

Note: By now this is almost funny. These idiots are trying to run the same ridiculous scam on me – but now they are on the official Avast 800 help line. Avast could no longer keep their hands clean. They were up to their necks in snake charmer crap and it all lived under the name GuruAid.

Me: You nitwits ran this same scam on me yesterday…Are you kidding me? You’re in Mumbai right – with Guruaid?
Jerald: What’s your name, Sir?
Me: If I give it to you will you cancel my credit card?
Jerald: Yes

Note: Fifteen minutes later he comes back on and assures me that my card will not be charged. The old “Is there anything else I can do for you?” and we are off the phone

Alas, Avast has traded its great product for a cheap online scam. Shame on you, Avast! Shame on every American company who didn’t put the effort into figuring how to keep the jobs here in America instead of hooking us up with that cheap Far East prostitute.

If you go to Avast and try to get their product this scam will be perpetrated. Don’t say I didn't warn you because you are officially warned. And, Avast you stink- you and your GuruAid Snake Charmer.